No Inclingination to wreck the MachScenery
by Ififall
Summary: The Machinist Fanfic. Trevor has a shock "last chance" to visit his old apartment. Nick Diaz is facing a test of his own. Can Trevor find the strength to tell Nick the truth before he disappears for Good? Includes the lyrics of "Every day Is Exactly The Same" By Nine Inch Nails.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Strong Language, Adult scenes. The lyrics are in Italics.

_I believe I can see the future  
Cause I repeat the same routine  
I think I used to have a purpose_

Scrub, Scrub, Scrub, if Trevor was in his own home, this would have been paradise. Scrubbing his bathroom with bleach always gave him a sense of accomplishment. He enjoyed the strokes of the toothbrush brushing against his white tiles taking all the grey crud away. Trevor always needed to have the bathroom clean, he took two showers a day, both for one hour at one in the morning and one O' clock at night.

Now Trevor was scrubbing a dirty bench covered in pigeon shit. With no gloves no bleach, just kitchen cleaner. Trevor took a truck-load of shit in prison, because of what he did. All of the inmates thought he wasn't sorry, that he was a backtracking cowardly piece of shit. He'd kept in the secret for long, so long it almost killed him. Now he could get beaten to death in prison, but he didn't care about that. The only thing he cared about right now was scrubbing this bench with gloves on. Trevor needed gloves. The dirty sponge was making him sick. Trevor wanted to cut his fingers off in disgust.

He'd wake up in the morning at eight. Do laundry at nine. Have lunch at Twelve Thirty. Watch the other guys work out at two, Tidy his cell at five, get a snack at Six-Thirty. Get reviewed at Seven. Have Dinner Seven-fifty. Get locked up at nine and were told to sleep at Eleven. Trevor's mind called those grey four walls home. He was as guilty as sin, but he wasn't insane. His heart was back in his one bedroom apartment, with clean carpets, swept floors, washed sofas and a full fridge of food...that was all past it's sell-by date, because Trevor before prison hadn't eaten a full meal or slept in a whole year.

_But then again  
That might have been a dream  
I think I used to have a voice_

In the year before jail Trevor never slept. He walked on the railway tracks of life, slipping on them, but never falling off and breaking. He drifted at work trying to fit in, with his colleagues. Trevor never really succeeded, but they didn't mind and played along. Trevor never caused any trouble, there was no need for colleagues to worry about him- Until Ivan.

All Trevor could remember was Ivan's grin. The wicked cackle that swanned around his workplace like thunder. Trevor had no idea who Ivan was, he wished he'd never known him, set eyes on him, sensed him. While Trevor looked at Ivan Trevor didn't have his eyes on his job, and it cost a colleague an arm. That's when Trevor's colleagues and his boss really started noticing him, but not in the way Trevor wanted. His bosses first words to him in Three years was:

"Do you have any mentally ill people in your family? Undiagonsed or not we really have to know"

Charming. Trevor was sure that he saw Ivan as clear as day. Everyone was doing their job with their machines, they didn't notice Ivan creep in with his leather jacket and small shades that covered his greedy eyes. Trevor told his bosses what he'd seen but they looked at him like he had a ferret balancing a chicken egg on his head. They told him to take some time off, he refused, but they ordered him too. Trevor was determined to get to the bottom of Ivan no matter what it cost him.

The Ivan-Tracking was one of his many, many mistakes.

_Now I never make a sound  
I just do what I've been told  
I really don't want them to come around, oh no_

"You've been paired up with KJ"

_"Whatever"_ Nick said as he turned his phone off. He had a huge fucking problem with it. KJ was pompus arrogant asshole, they'd never liked each other. KJ was the face of EliteXC, Nick was tired of seeing his shit-eating grin everywhere. He wanted to change that grin. Nick would enjoy making that snobby fucker cry. He couldn't prove it, but he suspected that KJ had been talking shit about him for years. This win would finally shut him up. After his win Nick promised himself that he'd drink a gallon of water and piss in KJ's locker. Revenge was best served cold...with a bladder full of piss.

Back to the gym, back on the pads, back to normal. Nick didn't mind training students, people that really wanted to learn, but fighting was something he had to do, and it wasn't just a bill-paying job, he just told interviewers that keep them quiet. After the gym, his legs were exhausted, but he challenged himself to run up the stairs, not stopping for a full breath. It was hard, but Nick ran up Three flights of stairs. To his annoyance he was out of breath, and banged his fist on wall when he got to his door. He'd almost forgotten he'd been at the gym, and it didn't matter to Nick, he wanted to be unstoppable, and that meant he could never be tired.

Nick put his key in the lock when he heard the owner of the building talking. "Yeah...the one next to Nick's...yeah...I'm cleaning all that loser's stuff out...right burning it" Nick got in his apartment, took a shower and watched TV. Nate was still at Training camp, so Nick couldn't call him yet. Nick had literally packed Nate's bags for him and paid for his coach ride. Nick knew how much Nate wanted to improve his stand up, so when Junior Dos Santos offered Nate a helping hand or punch, Nick made Nate jump at the chance. Now Nate was gone for a while all Nick did most of the time was worry about him.

Fuck it, he'd call Nate, check the coast was clear next door and make his own entertainment.

_Every day is exactly the same  
Every day is exactly the same  
There is no love here and there is no pain. _

Trevor didn't pat himself on the back too often, but every now and again he'd congratulate himself for being able to deal with prison, it was the way he handled his work on the outside. Work, Prison they were pretty much the same place, only prison didn't have clean toilets and Trevor could never go home at the end of the night. During break-time at the yard, he'd got a message from someone who'd just had his prison visit. His visitor was living around Trevor's neighbour-hood and told this guy Trevor's place was getting ripped and stripped apart.

Trevor could accept that, but he'd didn't want to let go of his old apartment without saying goodbye. He needed to, he'd lived a crappy mal-nourished life in there, but he'd also had some good times in that place too. Boiling but keeping it bottled up inside, he talked to a friendly prison guard called Larry who told him he could tell a few lies, and pull some strings. Trevor went back to old habits, he didn't sleep a wink that night, but the next day, he'd got the green light. Larry was going to drop him off at night and pick him up in the morning. He Trusted Trevor not to scarper, but Trevor couldn't trust himself.

Trevor touched the front door of his apartment running his hand down the wood while Larry ran down the steps coughing with every breath. Trevor pushed open the door. He'd packed his own things away, gave them away before prison, but other than that his furniture was still there. The carpet still looked in great condition. Nothing looked touched or marked. With a dark long Jacket covering his prison wear Trevor couldn't help it. He sat on the floor, but ended up lying on it. The wool tickled his fingertips welcoming him by sneaking through each finger, each wool tip stroking his palm. Trevor unbuttoned his jacket, laid back down and closed his eyes ready to sleep in his apartment for the last time.

_Every day is exactly the same  
I can feel their eyes are watching  
In case I lose myself again..._

Nick walked back into the apartment and was met with a shock. Some guy was lying on the floor deadly still. Nick turned the light on and crept closer to the figure. He could have been sleeping, he could have been dead. He could have been working for Ashton Kutcher and they could both be "punking" him out. Nick didn't know, he didn't wanna know this weirdo until he saw the state of this guy. This stranger's ribs were sticking out his shirt, his body didn't look like it was breathing. His collarbone looked like it was about to waddle out of his skin. In the warm apartment lights Nick was alarmed at how pale this man was. He got out his phone ready to call an ambulance. Being in contact sport, Nick had seen digusting injuries and heard vile trash talk, but standing in- front of this shadow "ghost" he could hear voices telling him that there was something sick in just watching, just doing nothing at all.

Nick dialled the first nine, but then stopped.

"No" Trevor yelled trying to stand up. "Fuck" Nick said. "You ill?" He asked. "No" Trevor said leaning up and crossing his legs. "You look ill" Nick said telling him the obvious. "Don't...don't call the cops" Trevor asked wild eyed. "This was my apartment" Trevor said holding out his thin arms. "Oh" Nick said, but he was still puzzled. "I got stuff...like food...want some?" He asked. Trevor nodded. Nick went into the bare kitchen and looked at the salad and called for some fast food instead. He brought out his bowl of salad and put it in front of Trevor. Trevor looked at him nervously. Nick recognised that look. Nate had had that same look when he was sixteen at the dinner table. Mom was trying to make him eat her cooked food, but Nick's little brother was cutting weight secretly for a fight that their mom knew nothing about.

Nick could remember stuffing macaroni cheese down his own pants so that Nate could leave the table quickly. It wasn't gonna happen this time. Back in the early days of his career he and Nate knew about guys like Trevor, heck, Nick and Nate watched guys on TV and made notes on how to lose the most weight in a day. There were all kinds of diets but the answer was mainly the same, stay off food, stick to water and piss the weight away. Nick wasn't going to let Trevor do that. He told himself he'd shove the chinese down Trevor's throat. When the Chinese take-away came Nick didn't have to force Trevor to do anything.

Trevor used the plastic fork and twirled Chow mein around it. "You want any?" Trevor asked. Nick shook his head and turned on the TV. "You gonna take this place back?" Nick asked. "No...I just umm...wanted to see it before I went home" Trevor said. Nick nodded. He hadn't heard much about Trevor, Nick didn't really speak to the other people in the building and he was training all the time, he didn't have time to care. "Your new place better?" Nick asked. "No" Trevor said, getting up from the floor and sitting on the sofa. This was the only person he'd spoken to outside of Prison, there was no harm in telling a stranger he was never gonna see again.

"My place at this moment is...jail" Trevor said as Nick picked a carrot piece out of the salad container. "OK...what did you do?" Nick asked not really paying attention.

"Well...I did something...really bad...to a kid...and I..." Trevor said as Nick got up.

Trevor wasn't able to get anything else out as Nick muttered that he was a sick bastard and reached again for his phone. Trevor took it from him which lead Nick to punch him in the face. Staggering and bloodied on his knees, Trevor raised his hands pleading for Nick to let him explain. "No...not like that...not...it was a hit and run" Trevor said, it was the first time he'd admitted out loud. "My cigarette wouldn't light, before I knew it...I'm going back to prison, I just wanted to see this place...one last time...Promise you won't call the cops?" Trevor asked.

"Can't promise shit" Nick said. "Dicks like you are just...sick"

"_I make myself _sick...why do you think I'm this thin?" Trevor asked. "I just wanna stay the night...can I?" Trevor asked.

"It's your place" Nick said moving away from him. Trevor went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on the bruise. He dabbed wet toilet roll on his cheek. Trevor didn't mind this guy touching him, but he wanted Nick's actions to change. Trevor wanted Nick to treat him as living breathing person rather than a sicko like his fellow inmates did. Nick had brought him food, he'd paid for a stranger. The least Trevor could do was tell him the whole story...all of it.


	2. The Mechanics Of Trevor

A/N: Lyrics are in Italic and Quote Marks. Strong Adult language, Adult scenes.

_"Sometimes I think I'm happy here  
(Sometimes)  
Sometimes, yet I still pretend"_

Trevor put the chow mein on the table. He knew it was rude to spill his guts out at this time of the night, but he was desperate to make this guy see his point. "My Name's Trevor" Trevor said trying to break the ice, but Nick just stared at the TV. Trevor was ready to point the finger. There was one person he blamed for everything, the one person who put him in prison and left him there to rot.

"It was Ivan's fault" Trevor said, taking one noodle out of the plastic container and playing with it. "Cause of Ivan I was...distracted and one of my colleagues lost their arm, because of me" Trevor was pleased that Nick's eyes were flickering towards him, but Nick was trying not to show it. "I was meant to stop the machine, but I pressed the "accelerator button" Trevor continued. "The machine took this guy called Miller's arm off, all I could see was blood on the new silver floor. Miller was screaming and I couldn't get to him, because the guys were pushing me away. I was escorted off the premises and had a meeting with my boss. That's when I got time off. Time with Ivan...it got me in jail" Trevor said.

Trevor was too embarrased to tell Nick the whole truth. After Miller's injury he found a post-it note on his fridge, with five spaced out lines made with a thick black marker pen. He'd went to Miller's house to apologise, found post-it notes at his house and accused him off trying to break into his home. It wasn't one of Trevor's classiest moments. He'd shouted at Miller, who was a respected colleague he'd injuried and ended up getting his ass kicked by Miller the same guy that had one arm. Trevor had spent his time off with Ivan. Ivan said he'd been working at the factory for a few years and told him what Trevor needed to hear at the time, it was all a bunch of shit, but Trevor chose to believe Ivan's lies, he had to believe them.

After the accident, all Trevor's colleagues barely said a word to him. He could hear all the whispers behind his back but couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't go running to the same boss that thought he was crazy. After some lonely nights, in the morning he'd stop over at the local airport cafe. Trevor was always greeted by the same pretty waitress Marie. She'd came out of no-where one day as one of the new waitresses and every male flocked to her side of the counter to get her attention.

"But Marie always had time for me" Trevor told Nick.

"Did you fuck her?" Nick asked. Trevor shook his head. He had never wanted to. As time went on it became a chore to go to work and seeing Marie's kind gentle smile gave him the courage to start the day, get off his ass and go and face everyone at work. Trevor always ordered a large slice of Apple pie and a coffee with no milk or sugar. Marie would always ask Trevor if he wanted Milk and threatened to put sugar in his coffee for him, but Trevor always refused.

Marie would wipe the counter and always watch Trevor pick at his pie. Digging the fork in the pastry dough and chunky Apple pieces was all for show. In the entire time Trevor had gone to the airport cafe, he'd never had one bite of the pie slices he ordered. He'd make up an excuse to leave it by rushing off to work or talking to Marie about her son and her family. Marie was out of Trevor's league, out his reach and that was a good thing, Trevor wouldn't have liked to have seen Marie's reaction when she found out the truth about him on the news.

Trevor could remember Marie carving his pie one day talking about an amusement park that her son wanted to go to. He offered to take them both [as a friend] and to Trevor's astonishment, Marie said yes. She was so easy to talk to and her son didn't give him a difficult time, but he did ask him awkward questions. Trevor answered them as best as he could and took Marie's son on few rides. Marie's son ended up having a epileptic seizure after going on a rollercoaster and Marie told Trevor over and over again that it wasn't his fault and Trevor should stop feeling so guilty. Marie was a rare friend that Trevor had lost because of Ivan and Trevor's suspicious stupidity.

"Taking her kid out? Are you sure you never fucked her?" Nick asked finishing off a celery stick.

"No" Trevor said firmly. "I had someone else for that"

_"I can't remember how this got started  
Oh, but I can tell you exactly how it will end  
Every day is exactly the same"_

It was so fucking embarassing as Nick looked at Trevor expectantly.

"I paid someone for...their umm...services" Trevor said.

"Get the fuck out" Nick said as Trevor took it literally and starting using his twig like arms to push himself out of the chair.

"I don't mean that seriously...I mean you fucking paid for it?" Nick asked as Trevor twigged on and sat back down. Her name was Stevie. She was blonde and curvy and rough around the edges. Trevor had met her at a bar and she walked over to him and started talking to him stroking his arm, whispering sweet naughty nothings in his ear. He took her back to his place and she told him the truth, but that didn't put Trevor off. Stevie was gutsy and crude, he got on with her like he would a guy, but he found her attractive. The first time it was weird paying her, but he got used to it.

Trevor couldn't tell Nick that once upon a time, Stevie was thinking about quitting "the business" for him. She was sick of being on the game and Trevor was disturbed when one of her punters got crazy and she was covered in bruises. In this very apartment they talked about having a future. The secrets were hidden over at Stevie's place. Ivan had left his dirty double-crossing unhygienic evidence behind and turned Stevie against him. Stevie and Trevor were over long before Trevor went to prison. He couldn't blame Stevie people were falling for Ivan's lies left right and centre. Her work had left Stevie vulnerable and Trevor reckoned Ivan was paying her a bundle, more money than Trevor could ever dream of having.

"You think I'm pathetic don't you?" Trevor asked Nick. Nick shrugged his shoulders.

"I can't be like you" Trevor said as Nick stared at him. "You get ten girls a night...Am I right?"

"I never said I did" Nick said.

"Before...Ivan, Miller's arm...everything...women still ran from me, people couldn't look at me without smirking or, pointing or throwing up" Trevor said.

"They're fucking assholes" Nick said with scorn that Trevor didn't understand. Trevor leaned over for his food but leaned back in the chair as Nick walked over to his chair and crouched over him, runinng his palm against Trevor's bruise. "You know...next time, keep your hands off my fucking phone" Nick said. Trevor was looking for a smart response to make Nick laugh, but Trevor's mind went into overdrive as Nick leaned forward and kissed him. Trevor mouth stank of onions and chicken, noodles salt and oil. He didn't know what to do as Nick pulled away from him.

Nick crouched back on the floor and tugged a little at Trevor's trousers before Trevor got the message. and pulled his trousers down to his knees. Nick couldn't help but notice that Trevor's thighs were almost as thin as his arms. He lifted Trevors shirt up kissing him underneath his belly button, it was the only spot that looked the most healthy and that was only because Trevor was sitting down. Trevor was nervous, he hadn't really thought about relationships or physical acts, he barely had any type of sex drive, starving himself had put an end to that.

The only time he got really excited in a innocent way was when the prison cooks served Apple pie and ice-cream for dessert or he got a prisoner's slice of birthday cake. Trevor loved to play with sweet food and see how long he could be around it without tasting it. He took a short breath when Nick started tasting something else. Trevor wasn't sure what Nick would think about how he looked or how he felt. He froze as Nick's tongue stroked his skin he and came on the floor as Nick got off him and went to the bathroom.

Trevor pulled his boxers and trousers back on before going to his former bedroom. He quickly shut the door to ignore the awkwardness when Nick came back in the living room. Trevor sat on the mattress and looked out of the window. If he was daring and crazy he'd run outside in the dark with his thin hands out in the air embracing the wind holding on to the joy of being free for one night. He got up slowly hoping to catch a glimpse of the moonlight when he saw a figure running on the sidewalk. Trevor didn't realise that figure was Nick until Nick came back one hour later and pushed open Trevor's bedroom door.

"Went out for a while" Nick said going to the bed and laying on it.

"I can smell that" Trevor said laying next to him, but Nick slid over to the other side of the mattress.

"You're free for one fucking night" Nick said turning away from him. "Go out and fucking do something"

Nick was right. There was one thing he wanted to do, but Trevor didn't think he had the balls, the guts or the will to do it.

_"Every day is exactly the same  
There is no love here and there is no pain  
Every day is exactly the same"  
_

Trevor wanted to find Ivan. He wanted to find the man who was the distraction, that cost Miller his arm, the man who broke into his home. The man who'd left the yellow Post-it note on his fridge. The man that had been fucking with his mind since day one. The man that had taken Stevie, his colleagues, his dignity. The man who hadn't been able to let go of Trevor's past. Trevor was putting the target on Ivan's back for a change. Trevor wasn't going to back down until he saw Ivan face to face, toe to toe, eye to eye...only then Trevor could destroy Ivan.

There were a few places that Trevor thought Ivan could be, but he didn't wanna face Ivan on his own. "Umm...do you wanna go?" Trevor asked as he leaned up off the mattress and walked towards the door. "I guess" Nick said shrugging his shoulders. All of Trevor's places for Ivan were local so Nick wouldn't be using too much gas. They went to the bar that Ivan had hung out at with Trevor. Trevor stood behind Nick and looked around as Nick got talking to cute bartender.

"You heard of the name?" Nick asked her. "God...there was some guy Ivanic... Evan... it could be Ivan, but it was months ago" She added. Nick thanked her for the free drink and pushed away a drunk that put his drink coaster on Nick's head. "Fucking dickface!" Nick yelled shoving the coaster in the man's face. He was ready to start war, but Trevor nodded to the door. Their next stop was at Trevor's former workplace. Trevor could remember the times Ivan would go there on a late shift and drive into the car-park for a break to take a smoke.

There was no security on, and Nick's car wouldn't be recognised by Trevor's boss or colleagues if they were still there. Nick pulled up and walked in the car park looking at the cars. "See anything?" Nick asked. Trevor shook his head, as they crouched down looking through car windows. Trevor looked around the fire exit, when he heard the clink of metal. As Trevor hid, the moonlight shone down on the man's shoes. They were cowboy boots. The same boots Trevor found under Stevie-the-hooker's bed. The same cowboy boots Ivan wore. Trevor ran to get Nick and Nick ran to the guy and called him to the nearest lampost.

"Hey...got a cigeratte?" Nick asked. The man with the cowboy boots walked close to the light and Trevor could see that it wasn't Ivan. "No man, I don't smoke" The guy said as Nick nodded a "Thanks Anyway". Trevor told Nick the bad news, but there was one other place they could try. Trevor didn't want to go, but he had to, for his and Ivan's sake. Trevor told Nick to go back home. Nick walked back to his car and Trevor didn't know if he has the power do this on his own. It was something that he had to do privately. He'd walk all the way. It wasn't far, but he wanted his legs to the feel the pain of each step, to feel each dirty bead of sweat, every muscle in his body tear. Trevor deserved it...so did Ivan.

The security was shit and Trevor was able to get through with no problem. It was cold and damp. Trevor felt special, being here without anyone else. This was the place that could give him closure. The place where he could put all his demons to rest. He'd reached the right spot looking over at the words that were so full of meaning, but now were cringy to the average stranger. The wasteland. Trevor would hold back his tears. He couldn't cry even if he wanted to his tired body wouldn't allow it.

He tried to think of the right words to say, the right things to do to take everyone's pain away. If Ivan was too selfish to do it, Trevor may as well try. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He felt like a fool, a disgrace, a leech sucking all joy and all the life out of peoples lives. He'd make Ivan pay, he'd make Ivan see. It turned out Ivan was already looking as Trevor could make out a tall figure in the distance. It was staying put and Trevor sped as fast as his bird like stick legs would carry him.

He was too out of breath to see and walked further as the shadow walked towards him ready to take him on. Trevor had his hands up ready for a clumsy fight to take Ivan to the ground, but the voice wasn't Ivan's. "You still ain't found him" Nick asked. "I told you to go home" Trevor said walking back to his chosen spot. "You sure Ivan will be here?" Nick asked. "He has to be" Trevor said. Ivan doesn't have a choice"

"I have a nerve being here...I don't I?" Trevor asked.

"Why the fuck are you here?" Nick asked. "Why would this "Ivan" be here?"

"I should introduce you" Trevor said looking at the carved marble and pointing to the mistake _his_ mistake that cost so many people their lives, in different awful ways.

"Nick, this is the place I've been so scared of, the place I've dreamt about every time I've closed my eyes. Nick this is my victim's grave" Trevor said stepping away from the body underneath the ground and looking for Ivan to be revealed by the echo of the patient starlight.


	3. For The Sake Of Hate

A/N: Lyrics in Speech Marks and Italics and "reveal" in italics. Last set of Lyrics [except for the last line] is made up. I can't do the Post-it note lines so I've used dots instead. Strong Language, Adult themes. The name of Trevor's victim has been changed, for affect. The KJ Noons VS Nick Diaz fight and their rivalry has been exaggerated.

_"I'll write it on a little piece of paper  
I'm hoping, someday, you might find  
Well I'll hide it behind something"_

Trevor had tried in prison. He scribbled and memorised, doodled, laid out, scripted what he wanted to say to the family whose life he'd ruined. He knew seeing the family was impossible. Getting to the grave was the next best thing. "So...say what you wanna fucking say" Nick said rubbing his palms together in an irritated way. Trevor took a shaky breath, his lungs couldn't swallow enough oxygen to make the words sound heartfelt. "I'm sorry" Trevor began looking around, but Ivan was still out of sight.

"I was so selfish...I still am. The pain that I put you and your family through...if I could trade places with you...I would. I wanted to find Ivan, so he could see this...but he's gone. He's never coming back. I think about you and your family, your mom...everyday...I'll be back in prison tomorrow, I promise" Trevor patted the gravestone, sliding his cold fingers over the ice cold marble. Nick turned away to give Trevor some privacy. "We'll meet again" Trevor said kneeling next to the stone, then kneeled up. "Bye Nate" Trevor said.

Nick flinched for a minute before walking over to the tombstone. It said:

Nathan "Nate" Alverez

Son, Brother, Friend, Nephew, Sunshine

We miss you very much and love you dearly  
We know our God is taking care of you  
You are now one of his special angels

We'll never say Goodbye, Sleep softly "Little One"

_"They won't look behind  
I am still inside here  
A little bit comes bleeding through"_

Trevor figured he'd freaked Nick out, as they both got inside of the car. "You shouldn't have come" Trevor told him. "It's just too weird" "Im good" Nick said as he started the engine. There was no point in telling Trevor that he had a brother with the same first name. It wouldn't have proved anything and it was none of Trevor's fucking business. "You written to his family?" Nick asked. Trevor shook his head leaning on Nick's car window. "To say what?" I don't deserve their time" Trevor said. They got back to the apartment block. Nick locked his car door and ran up the steps. It was early in the morning but he knew his little brother would be up at training camp. One call wouldn't hurt.

It took a long time for Trevor to get up those stairs alone, but he managed. By the time he'd reached the third flight of stairs he was crawling on the floor. He scrambled around for his key and went inside closing the door before collapsing in the hallway. He watched TV until Larry came back for him. Nick could hear whispers outside and quickly opened the door. He caught the eye of a burly squat man with key's dangling from baggy trousers. "You the new super?" Nick asked, knowing why he was really there. "Nope" Larry said trying to ignore the guy. Nick pretended to shut the door. "How was it Trev?" Larry asked. "OK" Trevor said weakly. "Thanks Larry" Nick came out to see both of them about to walk down the stairs arm in arm.

"Hope you find Ivan!" Nick called out. Trevor turned around without looking Nick in the eye and nodded. Nick thought that that was the last of Trevor, until an hour later he heard a knock on his door. "Yeah?" Nick said staring back at Larry. "Ivan?" Larry asked looking at Nick with sweat rolling down his face. "Trevor talked to you about Ivan?" "Not really" Nick said. "That guy...Trevor, said he wanted to find some guy...Ivan, I think" "Look...Trevor's back in jail now, but you've gotta come back with me" Larry said. Nick shook his head. "What the fuck for? I don't know the guy" Nick said.

"They'll never just believe my word for it" Larry said. "Look I'll drive you there and back, say you parked your car and walked...you'll get paid for the travel...free money...see?" "Fine, whatever" Nick said as he got his jacket. After, getting the "Travel expenses" Nick sat in the waiting room for ten minutes then he got called in by a tense Larry to have a meeting with the prison Psychologist. "This is Nick...the guy Trevor talked to during work-time" Larry explained, his eyes pleading with Nick to stick to that story. "Hello Nick I'm Dr Leston" The Psychologist said motioning for Nick to sit down. "I need you to tell us everything that happened when you met Trevor in the park" Dr Leston said leaning back in his chair.

"I wish this could've been any other way  
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do  
Every day is exactly the same"

"Ummm...I was jogging in the park. The guy..." "Trevor?" Dr Leston asked. "Yeah he stopped me and said he wanted to find Ivan" Nick told them. "Did you attempt to find this Ivan?" Dr Leston asked. "No" Nick lied. "I've got a life...I just ran" "It's a good thing you followed your instincts Nick" The Dr said. "Trevor isn't well. We thought he was getting better but it seems he's become worse" "I wouldn't say that" Larry said. "Larry you can go back to work now...thank you" Dr Leston said. Larry got up walking slowly to the door. The Dr waited until the door was completely shut before he spoke again.

"On behalf of the prison and the psychiatric outreach until I'd like to apologise. Trevor Reznik is borderline psychotic" Dr Leston said. "Ivan Isn't real. Trevor claimed that he wasn't eating or sleeping. Half of that is true. Obviously you can see that he hasn't been eating and he's been hiding food, but Trevor did sleep, he just didn't realise it. In these invisible bouts of sleep Trevor would see Ivan. I can't believe Trevor hasn't been monitered he's fooled everyone...again" Dr Leston said. "How'd you mean?" Nick asked. "Trevor's a good actor" The Dr said pushing up his glasses. "Trevor can't get away with this, he's going to apologise to you too" The Dr said swivelling his chair towards his phone and dialling a number.

_"Every day is exactly the same  
There is no love here and there is no pain  
Every day is exactly the same"_

Fifteen minutes later Nick was following Dr leston down a long squeaky clean corridor. The Dr pushed the double doors open turned to the right and went through another door. Nick was greeted by Trevor sitting on a chair in a room. "He can't hear you through the glass" Dr Leston said. He told Nick to follow him in. "Trevor" Dr Leston said, his eyes growing narrower with each step. "Nick please take a seat. Larry told us Trevor" The Dr warned. "Harrasing members of the public cannot nor will not be tolerated. Apologise" Dr Leston said. "I'm sorry" Trevor said drumming his hands on the table.

"For what exactly?" Dr Leston asked. Hassling this stranger jogging or polluting him with paranoid delusional fantasies?" The Dr asked. Trevor couldn't answer before Larry came through the door with the dreaded plastic cups. "It's time for you to get medicated Trevor. We can't trust you, it's apparent your health is decreasing" The Dr said as he waited for Larry to put the pills out in the cup. Dr Leston got a call on his cell. "Make sure he takes those Larry" The Dr said as he threw a rigid smile at Nick and went out. Larry fumbled with the pills and put them in front of Trevor. "Sorry Trev" Larry said putting the pills infront of him. "Larry...could you give us a sec?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, only when..." Larry said, pointing at the pills. Trevor picked up the plastic medicine cup chucked the pills into his mouth and swallowed. "See?" Trevor said opening his mouth. "Right just keep the doc happy" Larry said patting Trevor on the bony shoulder and leaving them to do his rounds. " The Doc seems to have it in for you" Nick said. Trevor bent his head down trying to summon up all the saliva he could to spit the pills out. He couldn't so he lifted his tongue and took out both of the pills with his fingers. He put them on the table and rolled them around with his thumb.

"Dr Leston has four boys...I "hurt" a boy in an accident...he's always gonna have it in for me" Trevor said. "So...are you fucked up?" Nick asked. "I mean you know...are you really crazy?" "Dr thingy told me...about Ivan" Nick said tugging his hoodie further over his hair. "It would be easier if I _were_ crazy" Trevor said. "I know Ivan was in my head, the guilt was driving me crazy. "I was asleep when Miller got his arm cut off, I never went to a bar with Ivan, or talked to him or went to work with him. Marie that airport waitress and her son were real, just not in the way I told you" Trevor admitted.

"Huh?" Nick asked.

"After I went to jail I was seeing old newpaper clipings. Flashbacks were my nightmares. Marie the "new airport waitress" was the mother of Nate, the boy I knocked over. I never went to the airport diner, or had Apple pie and coffee. I never took the Marie and her son to the amusement park. I was dreaming. Marie and her son were really Nate and his mother. I don't know Nate's mom's real name. One day I'll write to her, but I can't now, not while I'm like this" Trevor said. "What about Stevie?" Nick asked. "She was real, I pushed her away, destroyed her kitchen, called her all kinds of names. I thought Ivan was real then... I thought Stevie was two-timing me...but as always I was wrong" Trevor told him.

"Why drag me on a fucking wild goose chase?" Nick asked. "Why not just spill it all out?"

"Remember when you were lying on the bed, and you said "Go out and fucking do something" Trevor said. "Well...I did...I just wanted to do something before I came back. I didn't wanna drag you back into my past, but it's the only thing I've got. "My future doesn't exist, not in here" Trevor said looking around. "You know your future should exist...in there" Nick said pointing to Trevor's forehead. "Thanks for looking for Ivan, and going to _that_ place...I shouldn't have put you though it" Trevor said.

"You get many visitors in here?" Nick asked.

"I don't get _any_ visitors in here Nick" Trevor told him. "I don't blame them do you?" Nick couldn't answer. Larry came back and Nick distracted Larry so Trevor could put the pills in his pocket. As Larry took Trevor away Dr Leston came back in to walk Nick back out. "Apoloiges for having seen Trevor Nick" Dr Leston said. People like him need to stay in prison. The Insomnia stories, the eating disorders it's all just a "Trevor ploy" to make you feel sorry for him. You seem like a bright chap, unlike Lardy Larry who means well. "Don't fall for it...Trevor's a despicable character" Dr Leston said as he went back to his office. Nick headed towards the visitor's exit when he bumped into Larry who was carrying a bundle of post-it notes. He bumped into Nick and dropped a few. Nick helped him pick them up.

They were all how Trevor described. Yellow post-it notes with five short lines with spaces in-between them. The lines had been done with thick black marker pen. "Trevors?" Nick asked. "Yeah, he'd filled some out" Larry said lifting one up to show Nick a post-it noted Trevor had added words to. Trevor had written the same word on the ones he'd chosen scribble on. Trevor had spelt " K.I.L.L.E.R" out on the post-it notes. "He'll get over this" Larry said nodding goodbye. Nick gave him the post-it notes back and couldn't agree with Larry. But Nick wanted to leave the Prison and forget about everything. The KJ Noon's fight was coming up and Nate would be back by Monday.

_"Every day is exactly the same  
Every day is exactly the same  
There is no love here and there is no pain"_

Nick wrapped the pads around his wrists. Now Nate was back he was ready to see what his little brother had learnt at Junior Dos Santos's camp. "Ready?" Nate asked. Nick nodded. Nate threw a jab then a right hook. They felt the same as always Nick couldn't tell the difference.

"Sharp Nate, you've got too much power"

"Gotta thank Camp for that" Nate said moving on a punching bag. Nick had to go to his training camp as well, KJ Noons was talking trash in the papers and Nick wanted to put a stop to it. He ran a lot in the mornings and practised striking with his boxing coach, but the day of the fight came and Nick wasn't on his game. He couldn't handle KJ's kickboxing or his clinching power. KJ's fists were like rock his biceps wrapped around Nick's tricipitis brachii muscles and were hardening like cement. Nick lasted all five rounds. It came to a decision, but not in his favour. "Back to the scrap heap Nick" KJ said walking past Nick with his Golden belt on his shoulder although it wasn't a championship fight.

"You got through five rounds, you almost had him" Nate said rubbing Nick's shoulder with a bag of ice. After swallowing down his anger with a few drinks and driving his friends home, Nick got out a scrap piece of paper to get his training camp bills in order. He was about to close his drawer when he saw some yellow post-it notes. Without thinking he took them out and started writing. Blood was trickling down his cheek onto the paper, but Nick wasn't paying attention. It wasn't too late and Nate was still out with Donald Cerrone's Cowboy gang. Nick put his hoodie back on, put the post-it notes in a envelope and ran out the door.

_"Every day is exactly the same  
Make it stop, till I rot  
Blame the shame hug the pain_

_Don't complain if..._

_Every day is exactly the same"_

"Yeah Larry umm...could you pass this on to Trevor?" Nick asked.

" God...What happened to your face?" Larry asked.

"Got it on the job" Nick said. "It's just some paper, no weapons or needles or sherbet powder or shit like that" Nick said. Larry nodded and slipped it through Trevor's door as Trevor was brushing his sink with one of his many many toothbrushes. He took the envelope away from the cell hatch and opened it. Trevor took out the biggest piece of paper that was speckled in blood. At first, he thought it was a death threat, but he opened it up anyway. Nate's family might have had a message for him. Trevor leaned against his bedframe as he read it. It said:

_"Trevor, Fought today, didn't go as planned but you know...I still think I won" _

_"Champ was an Prick laughed in my face...like Ivan, but fucking worse and uglier I guess" _

_"I look like shit, cut, bruised...you know if I can keep on fighting, you can too" _

_N._

_PS...Fucking eat something!" _

Trevor turned around putting the note on his bed and reached for the envelope. It had other yellow post-it notes in it a little cleaner than the first note, but they still had blood on them. Each of them had seven seperated lines [instead of Trevor's six lines] in black marker pen [what Trevor was used to] But instead of Trevor's true words spelling out "K.I.L.L.E.R" Nick had written out his own message instead. Trevor took Nick's post-it note's out and spread them across his cold grey floor. They all said the same thing.

"F.I.G.H.T.E.R"

Trevor smiled taking them off the floor. He stood on his bed and put one of the ceiling, Ready to wake up in the morning and make Nick's words the be first thing he clapped his eyes on. Trevor put the rest of the post-it notes back in the envelope and in the drawer. He got back to cleaning the sink, got plastic gloves from the shelf and squirted a small puddle of bleach on the floor. Trevor walked past the puddle of bleach and looked under his bed. His reached his thin arms to the back and pulled out a cereal bar. He sniffed it in the wrapper before putting it back under his bed.

Chocolate was too much for the first time, but for the first time in a long time, Trevor was prepared to fight the hunger scrubbing the floor he told himself that he would order Apple pie and coffee for breakfast, his dreams of food becoming a reality. He'd take one clean bite before giving the rest to Larry. The coffee would stay with Trevor. Maybe he'd use milk or maybe low calorie sugar. Trevor timed himself and srcubbed his floor for one hour and fifty five minutes, before washing his hands.

Trevor climbed onto his hard cell bed, he put his head on the pillow and drifted off into a guarded sleep, where he imagined drinking with his old work buddies and running up the three flights of stairs back to his apartment. He'd see Nick outside his door, and Nick would give Trevor a cereal bar before running away. Trevor dreamt that he opened Nick's foiled treat only to find Nick's blood pouring out of the foil, the Nick's blood never stopping until Trevor's floor was ruined and his work clothes were drenched red.


End file.
